The Peculiar Report of the Pirate, the Kettle and the Ice Cream Seller.
“The captain stood upon the prow
And watched as his crew gave a lesson in how
To terrorise a ship and crew
To do what pirates love to do
To swash and buckle and buckle and swash
To steal the gold of the rich and the posh
His men now swarmed across his prey
Swinging great swords as their prey rued the day
That they’d climbed aboard this aging wreck
To meet such a fate upon the deck
Of what should have been their floating hotel
Transformed, in an instant, to this living hell
Their canons boomed and pistols cracked
A flurry of violence with no holding back
The wicked men and their murderous minds
Set upon mischief and crimes of all kinds
But what was that up above in the sky?
Two strangely clad lads flying high, passing by
His own sturdy ship as he stood on the prow
And had time to wonder, “What the?” and “How?”
Then the crash from behind as a sub made of tin
Destroyed the rear end and all lay within
The chests of dubloons and the sacks full of jewels
His beautiful bounty destroyed by those fools
The captain had, in his hair and his beard
Smouldering matches for a look that was feared
From the north to the south and the east to the west
Scaring his foes was what he liked best
With a terrible snarl and a roar of pure rage
Captain joined crew and the foe he engaged
In hand to hand combat, though his own held a sword
All ran from his path or leapt overboard
In a terrible panic, they feared for their lives
But needn’t have worried, some help had arrived
In the form of a pair of skinny young men
Who’d fought greater battles when “then” was still “when?”
The party of pirates with greed in their eyes
All at once met an unwelcome surprise
Two lads with broad smiles sharing giggles and winks
One munching a biscuit with wafers of pink
Had arrived in their midst and had started to fight
With great skill and pizzazz on the side we call “right”
They rolled and they swung and they ducked and they leapt
And wave after wave of their foes were just swept
Aside with no effort, a match they were not
They taught them a lesson they never forgot
Never assume the nice man is the meeker
Sometimes you will find it’s the bad that are weaker
So the captain grabbed a rope that hung
From the rigging above, then across had he swung
To land by the door through which he did see
That those Devils in goggles had chosen to flee
He followed them slowly, pistol raised high
Lips curled in a snarl and a glint in his eye
The captain enjoyed and took great pleasure
In his relentless attempts to amass yet more treasure
And any man that stood in his way
Would meet their maker that very same day
The captain stepped in through the door
He’d kill them soon, of that he was sure.”
Author unknown.
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